I don’t remember exactly when we met.
It was in elementary school, which is like middle school for Canadians. I don’t see her to this day, I haven’t for years. But, she left an impact on me being the first girl I have ever had feelings for. I didn’t realize this until much later in life, but looking back, I had a connection with her that felt something more than I ever felt with boys at that age. I had liked boys in my class before, but this felt a little different.
I think we started becoming really good friends in grade 5 or 6. We were both in the same friend group, some whom I still see occasionally, some whom I never saw after elementary. Some of my memories of when I was younger are hazy, but I remember hitting it off with her because of our similar interests. I still have old videos of us at my moms place laughing and acting silly, and tons of clear memories stored in my brain.
I remember being infatuated with her. Not in a weird way, but in a way she amazed me and I wanted to be like her. She liked to draw, as I did, and I loved her drawings and thought she was the best artist in our school. We laughed at the same things and liked the same music, some songs still reminding of her to this day because she was the first one to show them to me. Of course, that’s what every girl and their friend bonded over. But I remember thinking she was different.
A big reason I know I had a crush on her back then was feeling special when she would lean on me or hug me. I secretly wanted her to put her head on my shoulder or sit close to me during recess. I think at one point she would kiss my cheek, and I remember feeling like I was going to burn up on the spot. We would have sleep overs and I would hope for her to offer to share her bed with me. It wasn’t anything sexual, but I always wanted to feel close to her.
I was a weird kid, and in a way, so was she. We would run around on the school field pretending to be things and make up games. She loved animals just as I did, and having someone to share and express that love with was something meant a lot to me. I would go over to her house and we would play games on the computer, something we both liked, and I remember her mom saying something along the lines of, “Were you guys separated at birth? You two are so alike”. I took that as a huge compliment. I remember she even inspired me to write something about her, like a story or something, which I don’t think I ever actually did. But she did inspire artwork, whether it was of her or a game we both liked.
I didn’t know it was a crush. I didn’t know that having feelings for girls was even an option. But she was definitely my first crush on a girl, and I find it interesting how she really made an impact on finding my sexual orientation. I was 14/15 when I figured out I was interested in girls, and I thought to myself, “Wow. I felt something for her back then”. I have come a long way from first discovering my sexuality, but she definitely helped with getting to know myself, and I thank her for that.
Thanks for reading. Finding yourself can be difficult, but sometimes certain people can help you out more than you think.