Finding my Sexuality

There are a lot of identities I’ve gone through with my sexuality and gender. A lot of confusion regarding it. At this point I don’t feel like I need a label, but there has been times in the past I felt like I needed to fit into some sort of community.

I discovered I was attracted to girls when I was 15. I didn’t struggle with it as most unfortunately do because my mom and aunt were very supportive, and I had a really good counsellor in my teen years. At first I didn’t know what to think of myself, but eventually I accepted myself as bisexual. I felt like I had nothing to hide, so soon after I didn’t mind sharing with my friends at school.

There was a point in time where the term ‘transgender’ was new to me. I started to understand what it meant when my counsellor taught me more about it, and there was a point I considered if I was trans myself. I realized that wasn’t the case but even then I didn’t feel truly female. I never really have. I remember times even as a kid I felt more like a boy. But other times like a girl. Eventually I came across the term ‘gender-fluid’, meaning someone who doesn’t think of themselves as one gender. I assumed I was that, but not putting too much thought into it.

The reason I identified with being bi is because, naturally, I had been attracted to boys before and now I found myself attracted to girls. But as I got older I realized how great girls were, and didn’t really find any boys I was attracted to anymore. I was a little confused at this time and thought the only explanation is that I was a lesbian.

Now, I knew I had liked guys in the past. But I figured I had come into myself more or something like that. I came out as gay to the people closest to me, but yet always had that feeling I wasn’t strictly attracted to girls. I somewhat knew I was lying to myself. But I pushed those thoughts away.

Eventually I accepted myself as bi, and let the people close to me know, but most people I let them still think I only liked girls. I couldn’t imagine myself ever dating a man, so I never really corrected them. There is such a dumb stigma around bisexual people, that its only a ‘phase’ and we aren’t true members of the LGBTQ+ community if we date the opposite sex. That’s a big reason I didn’t tell people I was bisexual, which is wrong of me. Sure, I prefer women over men, but once in a blue moon I find a man attractive.

Recently, I read an article about non-binary people. Being non-binary can mean a lot of things, but the part that grabbed my attention was not identifying with a gender and thinking of yourself basically genderless. I don’t really feel male or female. Now, I still don’t understand myself and sometimes I struggle with dysphoria. But this is a step towards finding myself. I have discovered I am not only bisexual but pansexual, meaning not just liking male and female people, but every gender identity.

Like I said, I don’t really need to label myself. I like who I like. Some people like to have a term to identify with, and of course that’s okay. You can be you in every way imaginable. I think anyone who doesn’t ‘believe’ in gay people are ridiculous. We exist. We always have. God doesn’t give a crap if you’re gay, he created you just as you are. You aren’t going to hell or anything like that.

There’s always room for self growth. I encourage you to live your truth, in whatever way that may be. Be yourself. Love yourself. Love others.

Thank you for reading.

 

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My name is Kelsey and I am a 22 year old artist who loves video games, art and occasionally life itself.

2 thoughts on “Finding my Sexuality

  1. My great niece Kailey came out as gay in Instagram on national coming out day this year. So proud of her. You are both beautiful beings period❤️

    Like

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